Movies

Van Damme’s “The Last Mercenary” is a disaster.

In another scene, someone breaks free with a torrent of verbal diarrhea, which is intelligently labeled as a "Bantu dialect" by a language expert.

With remarks like “Thank God the bulletproof tuxedo was produced in France,” the PC cops will have a field day. I would have died by now if it had been built in Bangladesh.”

In another scene, someone breaks free with a torrent of verbal diarrhea, which is intelligently labeled as a “Bantu dialect” by a language expert.

If that doesn’t make you climb your high horse and yell “cancelled!” at the top of your lungs, nothing will. Alexandre Lazare (Alban Ivanov), a bumbling government official, takes a scooter ride across Paris in only his undies, a helmet, and our tut-tutting.

In any case, Belgian action icon Jean-Claude Van Damme stars in “The Last Mercenary,” a French action comedy in which he hunts for laughter in all the wrong places.

Van Damme portrays Richard “The Mist” Brumere, a secret agent tasked with protecting his son Archibald (Samir Decazza) when he is mistaken for Simyon (Nassim Lyes), a weapons dealer who has modeled himself after Al Pacino’s character in the film Scarface.

Van Damme plays Richard, a decrepit-looking version of himself from the 1980s film “Bloodsport.”

Fans of Van Damme will no certainly notice how his excellent looks have faded beneath a riot of wrinkles that make you think, “Damme, he’s old!”

So Richard’s warrior reputation, which includes roundhouse kicks and balletic splits, is insufficient to elevate him from a fossil to a man of action. Even when one of his agents casually reveals that he may also be a sexual athlete: “He boned my wife.”

We expected some poignant moments from a French film set in the city of love, Paris, and we got them as Van Damme tries to interact with his son. However, his weakness, along with his wrinkly appearance, makes him appear much older.

The Scarface-obsessed Simyon, a cartoonish armaments dealer from the fictional country of Taarghistan, may have compensated for the movie’s testosterone drops.

That is, if Simyon’s segments were expanded into a larger Scarface parody. Simyon may have saved the film with the many variations he could play on Tony Montana’s famous line “Say hello to my little pal.”

Also, like Montana, he may have distorted his consonants into an unintended comedy of blunders.

He comes closest to becoming Montana, however, when he is watching “Scarface” in a theater with the same tropical sunset wallpaper as in the film.

Overall, the stoner Momo (Djimo) and Paul Lesueur (Éric Judor) provide some amusing moments in “The Last Mercenary.”

The latter imitates Barrack Obama’s speaking pattern by combining multiple short tone groups in one line and delivering it slowly.

If this was meant to be a parody of former African-American President Barack Obama, I’m sure Donald Trump would like, as Lesueur’s speech validates his status as a moron.

Van Damme has battled his personal demons all the way to hell and back.

He unearthed a career buried by misadventures that belong in that mountain of cocaine that ultimately administered Tony Montana’s coup de grâce in Scarface when he faced up against himself.

Although his silky martial arts skills are still top-notch, his acting chops have reached rock bottom with this flop.

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