45 Funny Thanksgiving Quotes to Keep the Family Laughing

“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”

“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.”

“The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don’t think so.”

“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.”

“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.”

“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that everyday!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us.’ ”

“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.”

“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”

“May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!”

“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'”

“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.”

“The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner.”

“We may not have it all together, but together, we have it all.”

“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.”

“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.”

“It’s not too much food. This is what we’ve been training for our whole lives. This is our destiny, this is our finest hour.”

“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.”

“Overeating at Thanksgiving is a case in point. It’s a national tradition.”

“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.”

“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.”

“Real ballplayers pass the stuffing by rolling it up in a ball and batting it across the table with a turkey leg.”

“A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.”

“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.”

“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.”

“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.”

“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.”

“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.”

“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.”

“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.”

“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.”

“Cooking tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out.”

“Thanksgiving Day, man—not a good day to be my pants.”

“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.”

“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?”

“Pie makes everybody happy.”

“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.”

“Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.”

“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.”

“Thanksgiving—when the people who are the most thankful are the ones who didn’t have to cook.”

“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.”

“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food.”

“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”

“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.”

“People who love to eat are always the best people.”

“There’s always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it’s just not being a turkey.”